King of My Heart

 

As a writer, my words have never felt quite so powerless… but they always meant something to you so here is my best.

This morning was the first in a long time I managed to hold my chin up on my own. It was the first morning I got in my car and didn’t collapse into a heap of salty tears. It was the first morning I was able to listen to our music and feel that old sense of joy, even if only for a second.

“You will come out of this stronger, wiser” they say. As of today, I don’t know that. I can’t see that. In fact, I can’t see much anymore. I can’t see a day when this hole in my chest will feel filled again. I can’t see a day when I won’t ache to feel the scruff of your beard on my cheek. I can’t see a day when my ears won’t long for your one and only earth-quaking laugh. I don’t know that I will ever be able to see a day like that. But this morning, I was able to see a moment… one of light, of peace. And for now, that is enough.

You will be missed in your entirety and in all your parts…
You will be missed for the generous man who taught us to give before we take.
You will be missed for the wise father who taught us to learn before we speak.
You will be missed for the exceptional husband who taught us to love with all we are and all we have.
You will be missed for the humble teacher who always went above and beyond to share your mistakes and your lessons.
You will be missed for the great sport who always through the cards back in our faces.
You will be missed for the storytelling enchanter who taught us how to use our cuss words in just the right pitch.
You will be missed for the thoughtful caretaker who always made sure our windshield was clean before we drove, who always check-listed us on our way out… Flashlight? Yes. Charger? Yes. Jacket? Yes. Gas? Yes. Ass? I think.
You will be missed for the damn prankster who surprised our bare legs with ice cold coke cans and showed us how to whip kitchen towels at just the right speed.
You will be missed for the brave and strong hearted soul who survived the most unexplainable pain and the most grueling detox.
You will be missed for the courageous warrior who fought his way through every circumstance life threw at him.

And you did it all… for us.

Thank you for fighting for these last years with us, for as much time as you could. I will miss you longer than time will ever know. You will never be forgotten and our home will always ache for your presence. But as you taught us, we will be living and breathing your spirit.

My deepest prayer is that I honor your legacy in all that I do; that through me this world might have the gift of knowing you a little longer, that my every breath will reflect your spirit until the end…
your tenacity,
your courage,
your laughter,
your tenderness,
your affection,
your grace,
your faith,
your humor,
your volume,
your care,
your encouragement,
your passion,
your ability to make every person you came in contact with feel like royalty.

You will always be the king of my heart.
You will forever be my reason.